Redefining Me

What's been going on

2012-02-03T06:01:00.000-08:00

So by now most people know Mitch's sentencing didn't go well at all. Since he's a repeat offender, and can't seem to make good choices on his own, he was ordered into JJA (Juvenile Justice Authority) custody. He's currently still at juvie awaiting placement in a group facility, most likely the boys ranch. How long he's there depends on how well he "works the program". Best scenario-he'll be home around the 4th of July. When he gets out, he'll be under another 3 months of intensive supervision via the juvenile probation department.

I have mixed feelings about all of this. Mitch was just diagnosed with bipolar disorder. We're trying to get him on a good medication regimen, which will be very difficult to do while he's outside the home. I fully believe that this illness is 99% of his problem. I am concerned he won't get the mental health services he needs while in a group home.

My other concern is that Mitch is a follower. Locking him up with 50 other boys who are just like him and worse might not be the best option. Conversely, he does really well in a structured environment. He knows how to "play the system". Chances are good he'll work the program perfectly, come home, and no change has been made. He's done it before.

Since I'm a control freak (and I do love my child), it is really bothersome to me that, other than financially (because I'm ordered to pay child support, too), my rights are basically taken away at this point. I mean, the will grant me PRIVILEGES (rolling eyes) like meeting him at doctors appointments and bringing him new clothing as he needs it, but the day to day decision making is out of my hands. Absolutely drives be nuts!! Mitch's ISO said some parents just drop their kids off there and say "Your problem now, you raise him!" What the hell is wrong with people? No matter what, Mitch is still my son.

But--Man, what a relief to get a nice long break!! Only someone who has a child (or other loved one) with a mental illness would be able to understand the huge sense of relief we feel to have this break. All the rest of us are just wrung out. I know he's relatively safe where he is. I won't be having weekly visits from law enforcement. No more of my money being stolen. No more angry rages and violence. It's just nice.

In a perfect world, Mitch will come back home this summer and have some realization of the pain and trouble he has caused. He'll have a strong desire to be part of the family again. We are more than willing to welcome him back with open arms. Clean slate and all that. That's my hope, but part of me will have to be on guard. Probably always will be.

Thinking positively

2012-01-05T14:20:00.001-08:00

After my last horribly depressing blog, I decided to lighten things up a bit.

I have good feelings about the year to come. My Grandma Bev recently told me that sometimes you have to let it all go, put it in God's hands. You all probably know I'm not one to jump on the spiritual bandwagon, but her words make sense. It's not my job to fix everything and everyone. There comes a time when you have to say "Enough".

So that's what I'm striving to do. My number one goal for 2012 is to take care of me.
*I WILL get adequate rest (In bed by 10 during the week).
*I WILL get proper nutrition (Eat breakfast each day, and cut back on the processed foods and eating out. I blame the job for the last part. When I was working I had no time or energy to do anything except to open a box or head to the drive-through).
*I WILL lose 30 pounds (Marc and I are starting the P90X program soon).
*I WILL take some time each day to just be quiet and at peace (1 hour in the morning before I start the days work and homeschooling).
*I WILL get outside for a period of time each day and enjoy some fresh air (because that's what truly makes me happy).

Since my heart is in my home, I am rededicating myself to being the best housewife and mom I can be. No more silly notions of working full-time. I need to be here most of the time. It's what I do best, and things go so much smoother that way. It's also a core value of mine. I believe one parent should work and one should be home, unless you absolutely have to work.
I am not against working part time to help with finances if needed. But honestly, my working was so we could have thing we "want" instead of things we "need".

I am also kicking around the idea of pursuing my dream of being a professional organizer. I'm going to look into what it takes to do that next week. It would be awesome to pick my own hours!

Mostly, though, I'll try to find ways to stretch what we already have. This is not a new concept. For me, it just got lost somewhere along the way this year. I haven't been doing what I need to do to make my household run efficiently. That will change starting now.

I am so lucky to have a kick ass husband that supports me!! I couldn't do it without him.

I feel really good about my plans for the new year. After almost 2 years of feeling unhinged, I think I'm finally back on track.

Goodbye 2011, and Good Riddance!

2011-12-31T08:32:00.001-08:00

This post is long overdue. I was contemplating if I should even write it, but then figured what the hell..I have a lot in my head, and it needs to get out. So, here we go!

2011 was not a good year for my crew. Personally, I felt out of sorts. Cast adrift. Not tethered to reality. My kids all went back to school, then some came home. It's what's best for them, but not necessarily for me. I started school, then had to quit because we need money worse than I need to be fulfilled that way. I started a full-time job, then was forced to quit because of kid issues (will get into that in a second). I hope I can go back to work soon, though. I need the distraction. Marc's working and doing well at his job, but the hours are crappy.

Then the kid issues. Specifically my 2 older boys. They have taken us to hell and back numerous times since June. I have had the police at my house weekly for many months. They steal, they lie, they run with known gang members, they run away from home. The defiance is outrageous, and so is the disrespect. Our family is broken. It's me, Marc, Nikki, and the little kids on one side. And Mitch and Mike on the other.

Mikey spent several days at the Children's Home, and was arrested once for shoplifting. He's also flunking out of school. He's now on medication for depression and in counseling. He's been really good for the last few weeks..more present. He seems to understand the road he's on is not a good one. At least, I hope he understand this.

This next part is hard for me..For the time being, Mitch is no longer living in my home. He is in so much trouble, legally, that there is no way I can help him anymore. Right now, he's incarcerated. His next step is a group home. If he does well there, he will be given back to us, but will be on house arrest for some time. If he screws up again, he'll be placed in state's custody until he's grown. I have lost him. This is devestating to me, as he's my child and I love him. But, he's destroying his life, and our family. He is where he needs to be right now. I really believe it will save his life. He hates us though, thinks WE put him there. Truth is, he put himself there.. the sooner he realizes this truth, the better off he'll be.

It's so fucking sad! My child has a mental illness (well, lots of them, really). He doesn't have the same capacity for reasoning that most of the rest of us do. At the same time, that is no excuse for being a criminal and being self-destructive. I need to think of my other kids. I need to think of my marriage. He's been first, the center of attention, for years. And that's not fair to anyone else.

We have lived with such chaos, anger, hurt, etc. for so long, I don't know how to be normal anymore. It's been Mitch's show for the last 3 years. Now that's over. So where does that leave us? I've spent months just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and now it has. It's hard to relax and let my guard down. I feel purposeless. I feel lost. I feel sad.

I feel relieved. He is safe. I won't be getting phone calls from the police. I won't have to worry about him fighting.

I didn't post this for pity. I definately didn't post this for people to pass judgement. I just wanted it know, so I don't have to keep explaining it over and over again.

2011 has taught me a lot. But the biggest lesson I have learned is that your kids are gonna do what they're gonna do, no matter what. You can't save them if they decide to jump off a cliff (metaphorically speaking). Sometimes the best course of action is to let them go. They'll find their way..even if it's the hard way.

I'm checking out for the next few days. We need to relearn how to live. Really live. I have lost my joy this year. We have alienated ourselves from friends and family. I need to fix that. But first I need some quiet.

Looking forward to a fresh start in 2012.

Update: My crazy Life

2011-08-27T07:18:00.000-07:00

This update is long overdue, but I haven't had a computer, so that's my excuse.

I did about half of the stuff on my Summer Bucket List. None of the outdoor things, because this has been the hottest summer EVER!! I read lots of books, watched way too much TV, and passed my classes with A's. My current GPA (including transfer credits) is a 3.86. Go me!!

All in all, this summer was horrible. Bad, and I mean BAD kid issues. I spent the majority of the time angry, sad, and depressed. It's gotten somewhat better since school has started, but the repercussions of the behavior have lasting effects. We go to court Wednesday to find out how much time Mitch is going to have to spend in juvenile detention. Not IF he's going, because he will be going, but how long. Most of you are probably thinking, "Good. That will teach him a lesson." The sad truth is, it won't teach him anything. What people don't get is Mitch doesn't have BEHAVIOR problems. You can't "fix him" with punishments and consequences. He has a MENTAL DISORDER. Normal ways of handling misbehavior are only band-aids to the larger problem. It's exhausting, depressing, and sad. For him, and for the rest of us.

Because of all of the stress and turmoil, my heart has really been acting up. I am trying to meditate and remain calm, but it's just so damn hard. I was going to withdraw from school, because that's just one more thing to deal with. Ultimately, I decided to keep going. Marc and I deserve a secure future, and this is the best way to get it. Plus, I need something for just me. School is a great distraction! Currently, it's very challenging. And it makes things a tad bit hectic. But I get to leave 2 nights a week, and that's awesome!! If I wouldn't have gone back, I would have just sat and gotten more and more depressed.

Marc went back to work. He's a school bus driver. It's just part time, but right now even that's a good thing. We've been struggling financially this summer because of Mitch's fines and court costs. August has just not been good to us!!

So, that's been my life this summer. I am hoping fall is much better. I don't have many goals for the fall. I want to get through my next 4 classes with decent grades, and I want a calm home-life. I want to be happy more than sad.

Our Summer So Far

2011-07-01T06:53:00.001-07:00

Summer vacation is halfway over, so I thought I'd see how I was coming on my "bucket list".

*Complete my 2 classes with good grades AND my sanity (Halfway done. I have A's so far, but I am really overwhelmed with mothering full-time and going to school. It will be easier once the kids go back to school).

*Go camping at least one time (Nope. It's too damn hot! Maybe at the tail end of summer, when it's in the '80's).

*Go to a baseball game (Not yet, but I will).

*See some fireworks (Monday is the 4th. I will see some then).

*Attend at least 2 family gatherings (Done!!!)

*Host at least one get-together (Done!!!)

*Go fishing (Again, too hot!)

*Read the "Dark Tower" series (I am halfway through. I will finish these).

*Read 15 books total (I'm at 6, I think. I will do this, too, as soon as my school session is over).

*Take a weekend trip somewhere we haven't gone before (Not yet).

*Go to the zoo (Done!!)

*Go to the pool (Done!!)

*Go to the drive-in (Hasn't been any movies we want to see yet.)

*Watch the entire series of "Lost" (Not yet)

*Learn how to crochet (No time!!)

*Do some jigsaw puzzles (Did 2!!)

*Bake!! (Done some, but not enough.)

*Process and freeze my garden produce before it spoils (My garden is not growing right this year. I will have to settle for Farmer's Market stuff).

*Go to the farmer's market, preferably on my bike, at least 4 times (I've been twice, but not on my bike. It's been really hot, and I don't want to have a heart attack!!)

All in all, not so bad. My summer has been okay, I guess. I am not a fan of super hot weather, and that's all we've had. I'm not getting enough outside time, and that makes me crabby. I can feel my depression coming back, and I'm trying to not let it overwhelm me. Partly, it's the weather. Partly it's having kids around me 24/7. Marc and I are not getting enough alone time, either. Please don't suggest leaving the kids and going out. That is not possible in my life, due to certain kid issues. School will be starting soon, and that will ease a lot of my stress.

Marc got a new job! I am so happy for him, and us. Financial stress is starting to take it's toll, it will be nice to be making some real money.

As I said above, my schooling is going really well. I'm halfway done with my summer session, and am holding steady with A's in both of my classes. It is really hard to study and focus with the chaos that is my life though. One thing I am glad of, though, is that Nikki is really helping me out with my algebra. I am grateful that she is not in school right now, so she can tutor me :-)

My birthday went off almost perfectly this year. Most people reading this know that usually it's full of drama and tears. It almost was, due to something one of my children did, but it ended up being really nice. I'm not going to go into what they did on here, because I think that's disrespectful..but I will say that people who whine about how hard it is to raise babies and toddlers, just wait!! LOL

I am really looking forward to Fall.

Summer Plans

2011-06-06T09:51:00.000-07:00

I have a whole bunch of stuff I want to do this summer. If I get to half of them, I'll consider it a success. Here's my list (in no particular order):

*Complete my 2 classes with good grades AND my sanity

*Go camping at least one time

*Go to a baseball game

*See some fireworks

*Attend at least 2 family gatherings

*Host at least one get-together

*Go fishing

*Read the "Dark Tower" series

*Read 15 books total

*Take a weekend trip somewhere we haven't gone before

*Go to the zoo

*Go to the pool

*Go to the drive-in

*Watch the entire series of "Lost"

*Learn how to crochet

*Do some jigsaw puzzles

*Bake!!

*Process and freeze my garden produce before it spoils

*Go to the farmer's market, preferably on my bike, at least 4 times

I think that's it. It's a pretty ambitious list. It will be interesting (to me, at least) to see how many of these I accomplish before the end of summer vacation.

End of the School Year

2011-05-19T06:07:00.000-07:00

Well, we survived a whole year of public school!! Next Tuesday is the last day for the year, and we are all ready for a break. I was so full of anxiety about deciding to stop homeschooling, then the actual implementation of the public school transition ended up being really anti-climactic.

The Cons: I really, really don't like getting up early. Only Mitch is a day shift kind of person, and actually he's transitioning into more of a night owl as he's getting older. As we went through the year, the older 3 kids started getting themselves up and ready. Nikki gets herself to the bus stop, and Mitch and Mike ride their bikes to and from the middle school. This made it a bit easier on me, as the younger 2 kids don't have to be to school until 9.

Another Con: Mikey has really had a disrespectful attitude the last few months. I really don't know is public school is totally to blame for that, though. In fact, I might find an argument that says HOMESCHOOLING is to blame. Mikey has been raised and taught that his opinion is valid, and that adults will respect this every time. He (and all the rest of my kids) have had very little repercussion for their "smart mouths". This attitude does not fly in a public school environment. It is not okay for Mikey to say what he wants whenever he wants. It is also not okay for him to talk back and argue with the teacher. Not that the teacher's are right 100% of the time, but he needs to learn to respect his elders and be a bit more diplomatic in his approach when he feels he's being unjustly called out.

The Biggest Con: I don't see my kids very much during the week. Not only do they have school and extra-curricular activities, but they are more interested in being with their friends in their off hours than hanging out with mom. This is normal, I know, but it's still sad :-(

I really can't think of any other cons. I mean, I could nit-pick various things, but when I sent my kids to school, I gave up control of how the majority of their day was spent. As long as my kids aren't being harmed physically or emotionally, I have no complaints.

Now, the Pros :)
#1: It is so peaceful and quiet during the day. I LOVE IT!! I am the kind of person that needs a certain amount of tranquility everyday to thrive.
#2: From 8:30-3:30, I do not have to deal with other people's moods, emotions, whims, and fighting.
#3: I get shit done in a timely manner. When I clean my house, it stays that way..for hours!! When I go grocery shopping, it takes half the time.
#4: I have time for me. I get to go to school now. I get to read. I can take a nap. I can do whatever I want.
#5: The kids are learning more than they did at home. I had become too lazy to home school. That's not fair to the kids. They are absolutely thriving!! All of them are so much happier.

All of these things make me a better mom. When my kids are home, I can focus on them. We appreciate the time we do get to spend together, instead of taking it for granted. It was the best decision I ever made.

Addiction? Or...Obsession?

2011-05-14T14:52:00.000-07:00

Is there really a difference between an addiction and an obsession? Does it really matter? Both are detrimental to personal growth.

I'm pondering this on the eve of getting rid of my most hated obsession (addiction). My Name is Stephanie, And I'm Addicted to Facebook. Sick, right? I've had a love hate relationship with FB for months. I love that I can talk to family that lives far away. On the other hand, I hate that it rules my life. I check in at least once an hour, sometimes more, all day long. I spend more hours on that site than I do anything else.

It's voyeuristic. It's not normal. And it does me no good.

I try to condense each of my thoughts into tiny bite sized sentences, and am constantly whittling my life down into photos and quirky sayings, hoping that people will understand me. Then wondering why people don’t understand me at all! I am worshiping, explaining and proving myself to a world that is fake.

It's fake, because we constantly lie to ourselves about it. We think "Oh, this is great! I can strengthen my relationships!" When, in reality, it makes us lazy. There is no need to get together with friends and catch up, as you know every detail of their life already, thanks to Facebook updates. Why bother calling, or jumping in the car to visit, when you can just jot a few lines on someone's wall? I know, I know. All you busy mom's are crying "But my life is so hectic! It makes me feel connected, and it is so much more efficient." All valid points. All things I have said time and again. But really, are we really connected, or just going through the motions? How many real life experiences do we miss out on, trapped behind the flickering box for hours on end?

I understand that for some Facebook is a useful means of communicating. And they probably have the strength and willpower to limit their time on there. I have an addictive personality, so I can't do that. The only way to escape it is to quit it, cold turkey. Before I completely forget how to really socialize with people.

I hope my friends on there will make the effort to keep up with me outside of Facebook. If they don't, then I guess they really weren't my friends to begin with.

I remember 10 short years ago, I didn't even have a computer. I had no idea what social networking was. I know probably a dozen people who don't use a computer, even today (weird, right?). They seem to do okay. If they need me, they pick up the phone or come over. Does that take more time? Sure. But really, what are we in such a damn hurry for anyway? (That's a rant for another day :-))

The Busy Life

2011-04-10T08:27:00.000-07:00

Finally, I have a moment to breathe. It's been awhile since I've updated, and I really need to reflect on the past couple of months to quiet the chatter in my brain.

We've been so busy since I started back to school. It's only been 4 weeks, but it definitely seems longer. I'm halfway through my session. On May 6, both Marc and I start our Summer break. It only last a month though (for me..and Marc might take 1 class). I start my 2nd 8 weeks on June 6th. Then I'll get another break (about a month) starting July 28th, before starting my 3rd session in August.

I'm doing really well in my classes. I have a 98 in my Comp. class, and a 95 in my computer class. I also took a day long class on grief and loss (for my psychology major). That was a life changing experience. It brought up a lot of stuff from my past, things I realize I need to deal with. But, that's a blog for another day :-)

My ultimate goal is to finish with the program I'm in (which is an accelerated pace program) with all my general ed completed (and an associates degree). A year from this August, I'll then enter the Bachelors program and study psychology (at a normal pace). If I manage to come out of that with all my wits intact, I'll apply to enter the Masters program and focus on marriage and family therapy. We'll see. It's hard to manage right now as it is. I got special permission from my advisor to take an overload of classes, since I want to finish quickly. This Summer, I'll take 9 credit hours (over 8 weeks), and in the Fall, I'll be taking 19 credit hours (over 16 weeks.) I will be concentrating on 3 classes at a time, but they're at an accelerated pace. Next Spring, I'll only have 3 more classes to take, then I'll be done with my Associates (and have a wonderful 3 month break..LOL).

Right now it seems really overwhelming. If it wasn't for the fact that my kids are mostly self-sufficient, and that my husband rocks with his support, I wouldn't be able to do it.

The hardest part right now isn't keeping up with my classes, it's not being there for the kids. I have had to miss school functions, and I'll be missing parent/teacher conferences (Marc goes in my place, but it isn't the same). When they're not feeling well, I can't baby them like I usually do. I haven't baked anything in weeks. I also can't do as much fun, spontaneous stuff because I always have a paper to write or a book to read. It will be a little less stressful this Summer, because the kids won't have as many scheduled things to do.

Honestly, though, they don't seem as bothered my my absences as I am.

I've also had to really cut back on social activities with my friends. It's a necessary thing, but it still leaves me feeling out of sorts. We also can't travel to be with family; heck, we can barely find the time to go visit the family that lives 20 minutes from us.

Right now, though, Marc and I need to focus on the big picture, which is our future and retirement.

Life Update

2011-03-02T06:33:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile, I don't know quite where to start. I guess I'll start rambling and see where it takes me.
I had been really feeling on the verge of some real life changing decisions after the last time I wrote. A year ago, I wouldn't have imagined this is the path my life would take. I got the kids all in school, Marc opted not to work full-time, but to go to school himself. So we had them all squared away. That left me. Still sort of drifting aimlessly with no real plan. I kicked around the idea of finding a job myself, but was unimpressed with the choices offered to me--I basically have no skills. I also have certain health issues that would not make me an ideal employee. So, I opted to go to school myself!!
I'll be attending Friends and working towards my associates degree. When that's done, I'll go for my bachelors and eventually my masters. I hope to be a marriage and family therapist. I've always had an interest in psychology, sociology, and related fields, so this seems to be a good fit for me. It's scary and exciting all at the same time. It's been forever since I've done something just for me. Ultimately, this will benefit both Marc and I, but right now it's nice to be doing adult things with people that aren't my family.
I start classes Monday night.

The kids are still liking school, and are really doing well.
We got Mitch signed up for his high school classes for next year. He's currently holding a 3.6 GPA. He struggles with sitting still and focusing, but we adjusted his medication so hopefully he'll get some relief.
Nikki is also doing fantastic!! I went in to approve her schedule for next year, and the teachers had nothing but good things to say about her. She got picked for an "exclusive" drama class that she didn't have to try out for, all because the teacher "holds her in high regard". We've been getting college brochures from everywhere, and she seems to be getting excited about her future.
Mikey is doing well academically, but seems to be having a shift in his attitude..and not in a good way. I understand he's a young teenager, and he's trying to assert his independence. Plus, he's been homeschooled, so he's really trying to realize his niche. We are trying to be patient with him, but it is hard at times.
Becca seems to be thriving as well. She has lots of friends, and doesn't seem to be struggling with the workload. I was really worried about her, because at home she was my willful one.
Ezra is having a harder time than the others, I don't know why. He is well behaved, and now that he's in tutoring he's doing well academically (he's really catching up quick!). But some mornings he cries, and he's always complaining about the long day. It breaks my heart, but I really think this is the best thing for him. He's learning so much, not just schoolwork, he's learning to be his own person. He needs to be more independent and not rely so much on me and his siblings for everything.

I'm pretty excited and happy about all the things that have been happening in our lives lately. It feels like we're moving in the right direction, and hasn't felt that way in a long time.

Once we get this dreary winter weather out of here, it will be even better. Looking ahead to Spring and Summer always leaves me feeling optimistic. Last Summer was not so good for me. I didn't feel good, and I think that's when I was deepest in my depression. This year will be much better. We have lots of plans: gardening, swimming at the Y, bike rides, and (hopefully) lots of camping. With gas prices so high, we can't afford real vacations this year. So we'll have to make due with what Kansas provides.

Busy Busy

2011-01-28T18:12:00.000-08:00

My goodness, I can't believe how busy life has been lately!!
Kids are still doing well in school. The older 4 are rocking as far as grades! I couldn't be more proud if I'd have taught them myself. Wait...LOL

It has been determined that Ezra needs a bit more help than we originally anticipated in a couple of areas. He'll be going to tutoring for math and writing. This is a good thing though. They work with 2 kids/1 teacher. He'll get more 1 on 1, like he was doing here at home. They think he'll only need it for a short time, he's like right on the edge of "getting it". He has some fine motor skill issues that are making the writing difficult. I didn't notice this when he was at home, because he really wasn't doing that much writing, not like they expect in public school.

On the other hand, his reading skills have absolutely exploded since he's been in school. When he started the year, he was reading 7 words a minute. Now he can do 45-50 with no mistakes. I am super proud of him for trying so hard. He comes home every day with tons of stories, his face just lights up. I asked him if he wanted to be homeschooled again, and he said "Only if I'm forced" :-)

Mitch and Mikey both have girlfriends :-( I suspect Becca has a "boyfriend", but that is currently unconfirmed..LOL Nikki has no time for any of that business (thank goodness!!).

In other news, we recently made the choice to be a 1 car family to save money, and because I hate to drive. I think I'm going to get a bike and start riding when I need to make short trips. Or I can walk.

It's good for my heart. For those that don't know, I have some heart issues that are really scaring me. The issues first started when I was pregnant with Mikey. Heart palpitations, dizziness, chest pains, etc. I was tested, but nothing conclusive was found, other than them saying I will most likely have a stroke at some point in my life. This has been coming and going since then. Usually it happens during hormonal changes, or when I get overheated or stressed. The last few years I've also put on some weight, and I'm sure that isn't helping.
Now the incidences are becoming more severe and frequent. Sometimes my heart beats so fast, you can see it through my clothes. When it happens, I have to lie down, or I will pass out. It comes and goes with no warning, and is completely random. My chest hurts, I can't breathe, my neck and throat hurts. Sometimes, when it's over, I will go numb on my left side. I am left drained and weakened by each episode. Since I don't have insurance, I can't go to the doctor for any new tests. I have done some research on my symptoms, though, and I'm thinking it's Atrial Fibrillation.

This is freaking scary to me!!! So, I'm really trying hard to take better care of myself, and hopefully lessen the amount and intensity of these episodes. I may have to get a job soon, and it will be really difficult if I am limited by what my body can handle. I just don't see many employers being understanding if I need to lie down in the middle of a shift because I'm having random chest pains. :-/

I've been exercising everyday for about 2 weeks now with no episodes. Just low impact stuff, I really can't afford to get overheated. I've also changed my diet to a more heart healthy one. I'm feeling better, I just hope I can keep it up for the long term.

Life is Good

2011-01-14T07:55:00.000-08:00

Putting the kids in school was the best thing I ever did. It was harder for me than it was for them. They all adjusted well, and quickly.
The major hurdle for me was giving up the control. I know the public school system is broken. I know that there are bad teachers, stupid rules, and bullies. But there is also awesomeness, and people that are doing their jobs correctly. Once I told myself that stuff, it was much easier to let go.
I also had to get to a place of realization that just because I started out doing something, that doesn't mean that I have to keep doing it when it stops working. This does not make me a bad mom or a failure. Keeping them home when I obviously couldn't handle any more..that is where I would have failed.

Becca and Ezra have already showed improvement in their academics. The same math worksheets Ezzie was giving me hassle about at home, he is now doing on his own with no trouble. Becca's biggest problem at home was she would start an assignment, then get frustrated and quit. She doesn't do that now. They were both tested their 2nd day of school, and both tested right in the middle of where they should be.

Mikey wasn't really struggling academically at home. His biggest hurdle was (is) laziness and lack of motivation. He also struggles with organization. He's still working on all of this, but I see improvement already. Now he's accountable for his own business. He was tested as well, and is excelling in everything. Even math, which is something he struggled with at home. As long as he stays organized, and doesn't blow things off, he'll do fine academically.

As far as our home life..that's better too. When the kids are here, I want to hang with them. There's always lots of interesting things to talk about. They have new experiences to draw from, and their social circle is expanded. I am more relaxed and patient, which is something I have always struggled with. There's still some animosity among certain children in my house, but that has lessened too.

It's like we're all learning tolerance.

Personally, my depression has lessened. I don't think it was the kids specifically that were making me depressed. I think it was more the enormity of my responsibilities. I'm a mom. I'll always be that, and it's the best job ever. But add to that being completely responsible for everything else, all the time, with never a break..yeah, no wonder I often feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown. Learning to take time for myself is going to be the hardest part of all of this. Even harder than letting someone else make decisions for my kids.
I've got to try, though.

A new Stage..

2010-12-30T18:11:00.000-08:00

I know most already know this, but Marc and I made the choice to go ahead and send Mikey, Becca, and Ezzie to school now..this semester..instead of waiting until next year.

It seems abrupt, but I feel really at peace with the choice. I was sitting here yesterday thinking about what a nice break my mind has gotten over Christmas vacation. I hadn't thought of school, or choices, anything. The kids were all getting along. I wasn't fighting them to do their work, or stressing about not getting in that ever important "social time" that is so elusive during the Winter months.

Then I started thinking about how I had better get to planning, because in a few short days we'd have to start all over again. And the thought was like a huge black hole opening up and swallowing me. I'm not trying to be dramatic, I literally feel that way. I love my kids. I do not like how things are going this year with them at home, though. I am more like a drill sergeant, less like mom. We have no fun, because there's simply no time. My every thought is consumed with how well they are doing, and if I'm failing them. Because in my deepest heart of hearts, I don't think I'm doing that good of a job as a teacher anymore.

So I was like "Screw It." I talked to Marc about how I was feeling, and we decided to go ahead and put them in school. Now. Before I sink even deeper into my funk.

I can't even begin to describe my relief. It's like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I have very few misgivings, and those are mostly due to the fact that Ezra has never stepped a foot inside a classroom. It's going to take a bit for him to get used to protocol. But I think he'll do fine. We bought him a Batman backpack, and new crayons and pencils. He's a happy camper :-)

Becca and Mikey seem indifferent, but not against the idea. I think they're tired of never seeing anyone but each other all the time. I know they're sick of the mean mom I've become :-(

I am so relieved and feel more at peace than I have in years. This is the path we need to take now. I need to have some quiet. I have issues that I haven't ever had a chance to deal with fully, mainly because I've been mom 24/7 for 15 years. This is my time.

Several people have asked me what I'm going to do now. I honestly have no idea. For now, I think I'll just do nothing. Next year, I may think about getting a job or going back to school. But I honestly have no idea who I am anymore, and I need to figure that out first.

In other news, Nikki and Mitch did so well their first semester in school. They are absolutely thriving. Nikki's GPA is 3.87. and Mitch has a 3.24. Marc struggled a bit with his first semester, but is determined to do better the next time around.

All aboard the Pity Party Express

2010-12-07T05:41:00.000-08:00

This will not be a nice post. This (I hope) will be a purging experience. Because lately I've been feeling like I'm one step closer to a meltdown of epic proportions, and I really want to avoid that.

I am angry. And mopey. And feeling really really down. Dare I say it: DEPRESSED!! This is so not me. I usually allow myself times to wallow. 24 hours, though, and I snap myself out of it. I'm finding it hard to do that this time.
I'm feeling like a failure in every aspect of my life. I feel like everyone else is moving forward and I'm stuck in a holding pattern. I feel tired. I feel unmotivated. I feel like most of life is pointless. I feel like if I have to do one more thing that I don't want to do, I will EXPLODE!

I also feel like a whiny, ungrateful, diva.

Because, in truth, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have great (well, most of the time..LOL) kids who are healthy and well adjusted. I have a nice warm house to live in. I have food on the table. We have enough. Really, we have more than enough.

And my husband. Oh, how I adore my long suffering, wonderful, awesome husband. Words can not describe the immensity of my feeling for him.

So, if I have all that, why do I feel like the bottom is about to drop out?? I could blame it on my earlier life. Up until 10 years ago, my existence was filled with fear, uncertainty, pain, and sometimes terror. Most of it brought on by people who professed to love me. People who were not supposed to hurt me.

But really, how long will that excuse hold up. It's over now. Time to get over it.

I could blame it on the winter blues..you know: holiday craziness, lack of schedule, lack of sunlight. Although, that last excuse is my fault, anyway. Because on nice days when I could be outside, I choose to sit on my (ever increasing) ass and stalk Facebook. UGH! I suck!!

I have no answers to this. I'm going to try my damnedest to get over it. Without resorting to chemical means. I don't want to numb my feelings. I simply don't want to feel them anymore.

School Update

2010-11-09T08:32:00.001-08:00

It's been awhile since I've done a school post, so thought I'd do an update.

Marc: Once he got organized, he's doing well in his first semester at college. Except for writing. He struggles there. He went ahead and enrolled for 2nd semester, so he must not mind it all too much.

Nikki: She loves high school. We've had no drama or hassles. She also made the honor roll. I really don't care about all that, but she sure does. She sorta freaks out if her grade drops below a high B. So, since it matters to her, I make it matter to me, too. I am really glad we encouraged her to take some AP classes, it seems to challenger her just enough so she isn't bored.

Mitch: He's doing well in the 8th grade. He would have made the honor roll as well..but had a rough start in pre algebra. He is excelling in every other class, though. He had a hard time socially at first, but I think he's finding his place. 8th grade is tough!! He seems to be happy there, and I know he really enjoys having stuff to do every day.

I don't think Nikki an Mitch will ever opt to be homeschooled again :-)

Mikey: He's doing well in his at home classes. This year he has figured out that if he just does his work without arguing, I will leave him alone and allow him all the free time he wants..LOL I usually give him a packet of his work (and expectations) on Monday, and he works through it at his own pace. He started the year in 6th grade math (he was a grade level behind), but will be moving up to the proper level at 2nd semester.

Becca: After a really rough start, Becca is doing well in her 4th grade classes at home. Her reading and comprehension have improved 100% since the start of the school year, and she's moving really fast through her math program. Our biggest problem is her stubborn attitude. But I think she's also figuring out that if she just cooperates, it goes much smoother.

Ezra: He's shown the most improvement. At the end of August he was barely reading anything. Now he reads at grade level. He spells and writes everything!! Our biggest obsticle is math. He really hates math, and it almost always ends in frustration (for me) and tears (for him). Last week, we had a bit of a breakthrough where that is concerned, though, so I'm hoping it will be better from here on out.

Mikey really doesn't want to go to public school next year. The other 2 are indifferent. I'm not quite sure what we'll do yet. If Becca and Ezzie don't become more self led in their learning..like Mikey is..they will definitely be going. I am just done with the teaching. Ezzie said he likes it better when I'm just his mom and not his teacher too :-( :-) So, I don't know.
I have found that if I start each day with a positive attitude about the lessons, it rubs off on them. So I'm really trying to be nicer. Even though I have a whole big bunch of "don't wanna do it" attitude.

Be Thankful

2010-11-02T07:35:00.001-07:00

Be thankful every day for what you have, because there's always somebody worse off.

Count your blessings every single day...especially those days when it seems like the pity party wants to take over.

Love. Laugh. Embrace each day. Live it like it's your last.

A rant about the internet

2010-10-28T09:20:00.000-07:00

I am amazed at how up in arms people get over stupid crap they read on the internet. I think public forum has become a place for adults to act like schoolyard bullies.

Today I read an article that a woman wrote for a nationally recognized magazine. I won't get into details, but she was saying how it bothers her how obesity gets glorified on TV...as if it's an okay state of being. She disagreed. (I don't want to get into a debate about the particulars of the article..was just clarifying). She basically got smacked down repeatedly in the comments section of her article. People spewing horrible and hateful things about what a terrible person she is, and how they would like to beat her up. These are (supposedly) adults saying these things! She apologized for unintentionally hurting anyone's feelings...yet the attacks on her character continue. Hundreds of them, maybe thousands by now. Calling her a bully, no less. Well, if that 'aint the pot calling the kettle black, I don't know what is.

Where do people get off? Are we really that PC as a society that we can't say ANYTHING without fear of being verbally attacked? I agree that there should be some censorship between brain and lips (or fingers), but simply stating your opinion in a non-confrontational manner should not be cause for attacks.

It is not right to sit behind your computer screen, and act all self righteous and indignant, then be a hypocrite and bully someone else.

Especially as adults, we should know better. If somebody says something you don't agree with, big deal. Engage in a healthy debate if you must. But don't resort to name calling and downright meanness.

Redefining Feminism

2010-10-25T18:16:00.000-07:00

I am an anti-feminist. I apologize to my sisters who fought to give me the rights I have today.

But I can't help it. I have absolutely zero desire to be a strong, independent woman.

This does not mean I want to be oppressed. It simply means that I strive to do nothing more in my life except being a damn good housewife. A damn good wife. And at least an adequate mother. (Hopefully better than my mom was).

I don't want a career. I don't want to prove myself better than my male counterparts. I just don't care about all of that.

I am so sick and tired of being made to feel less because of this.

No more. I am proud to be who I am.

Redefining Christmas

2010-10-22T05:57:00.001-07:00

What Christmas has become sickens me. It's not even Halloween, and it already looks like Christmas has vomited all over every store. Where's the fun of anticipation? All in an attempt to make you think you need the latest thing. A few years ago, I set out to change the way we "do" Christmas.

If you are one of those who likes to grease the wheel of consumerism, you may as well stop reading now. If you're a hoarder or a shop-a-holic, and use Christmas as a way to feed those addictions, this will probably make you very defensive. Sorry.

The first thing I did away with was gift exchanges with extended family members. This is a ridiculous practice. Usually these exchanges come with rules, and a $20 limit. Really? What can you get me for $20 that I can't get myself? Oh, I know!!! A bath set (or candles or a glove and scarf set). Generic. And shows you really don't know me. #1: I get bath products for free with coupons. Don't really need any of those. #2: Usually the candles are vanilla scented, which makes me sick to my stomach. Thanks but no thanks. And #3: I KNIT! I definitely don't need or want any mass produced crap from Wal Mart. If anyone would take the time to ask me, I would request cookbooks, yarn, or a gift card to a fabric store. But, nobody ever asks. Another thing that annoys me about gift exchanges, is that every single family member I have has less kids than me, or they make 3 times the money we do. It is a struggle for us to come up with extra money for gifts for everyone else. So, we don't do it anymore. And I don't expect anyone else to give us anything, either. Really, we don't feel bad if everyone else is doing it without us. We prefer it that way.

The other thing I'm really striving to do is to eliminate all the gifts we used to give our own kids. The year before last, we got them 2 things each. That seemed about perfect. But last year, I became temporarily insane. We had lots of money. So I found myself getting sucked in to the hype. I spent insane amounts of money on my kids. I spent countless hours shopping and wrapping. Counting to make sure they all had an equal amount of stuff. Thinking "Oh my God! It's only 3 paydays until Christmas, and I still have to get X Y Z). It was really highly stressful. I didn't really enjoy it at all. Christmas morning came, and the kids were pretty excited about their gifts. For about 2 hours. Then they were abandoned where they lay while they went back to computers and MP3 players (that they already had). The only gifts from last year that are still in use today are Nikki's winter coat and cell phone, and Becca's bedding set. Everything else is discarded, lost, or broken. I am saddened by this.

But, it's a good lesson learned. My children have every single thing they need. And even some stuff they just want. They are spoiled, and have a sense of entitlement that makes me sick. They shouldn't get things simply because they exist.

This year, I was lucky enough to have all my "Christmas" money at one time. I was desperately trying to figure out what I should do with it. Should we do like last year, but on a smaller scale? Should I say "Screw it!" and buy into the hype, because that's what's expected, and what my "Mommy Guilt" brain says I should do??

I sat each of the kids down and asked them what they wanted. I told them to pick 3 things. Ezzie couldn't do it, because he wants EVERYTHING (he's the most spoiled of all..expects toys or candy every single time we go to the store). Becca asked for a skateboard, because she always asks for a skateboard. She isn't getting one, because she's prone to facial injury. Nikki asked for a hair straightener..which is not really a "gift", and then said she didn't want anything else, because she knows money is tight (why can't I have TEN of her??), Mikey asked for a switchblade..Really? Like he would ever get that!! And Mitch couldn't think of anything at all. Because he already has everything he needs or wants.

So, I proposed the idea of maybe taking a little trip. To the one place that my kids talk about almost obsessively. The Great Wolf Lodge in Kansas City. We had been one time before, about 4 or 5 years ago. And they still remember it, and talk about it. We got a resounding YES!! So, that's what we did.

We decided to go this week instead of waiting for Christmas. You never know about the weather in December. Plus, we wanted to make a side trip to the KC Zoo. As a bonus, a friend told me about a themed restaurant, the T-Rex, that was right near the lodge. We did that, too. It was so much fun, and we made memories that will last a life time. They even asked if we could make this an annual tradition, instead of Christmas, every year. But next time, they want to stay for 2 days instead of overnight :-)

Yes, my lovely children. Yes, we can!!

So, I am essentially done with my Christmas gifting this year. And it's only October :-) I will still fill the kids' stockings, because I absolutely love finding the perfect little trinket. Every year, my kids get a new pair of PJ's, too. It's a tradition I'll always keep. The rest of the holiday will be filled with fun, family, and food. Absolutely zero stress. Peace, stillness, quiet. The way Christmas should be.

Bragging!!

2010-10-17T07:57:00.000-07:00

I got Nikki's 1st quarter grades yesterday. So I decided to brag a little :-)

Honors English: A (with SUPERIOR effort)

Photography: A

Spanish 2: B

US History: B

Drama: A

Biology 2: C (with GOOD effort)

Commercial Design: A

Algebra 1: A (with SUPERIOR effort)

GPA: 3.5

I am very proud! And I am especially happy that she is succeeding at something she really wants to do.

It's Fall

2010-10-13T10:20:00.001-07:00

I love Fall. It rejuvenates me like no other season.

Cool days, and cold nights just begging for a snuggle :-)

Hoodies.

Roaring Fires.

And the food. Oh. My. God. I LOVE FALL COOKING!

I enjoy Halloween and Christmas, but Thanksgiving is my favorite of all the Fall holidays. I always put together an elaborate meal, and then host for my family, and whoever else wants to show up.

I can't wait!!

I anticipate the first snow of the season. There's not much I love more than being snowed in. Too bad I live somewhere where the snowfall amounts are usually disappointing. Nothing like where I grew up. We could "do" snow in Iowa. LOL

Probably the only thing I don't like about Fall is football. I know, that is SOOO UnAmerican (rolling eyes). That's okay, though. I just pretend it doesn't exist.

Weekend recap

2010-10-11T07:03:00.000-07:00

This was last weekend, shortened version...

Saturday: Kids fighting. Specifically, older 3 kids. I truly think the 3 of them have gone insane. They are rude to each other, disrespectful, hostile, and downright mean. I have had it! I am sick of the laziness and "me me me" attitude, as if the 3 of them live in their own little world. Teenagers SUCK! I will take toddlers over this any day. So, I have come to the conclusion that until their attitudes change, they get nothing from me other than what I am legally obligated to give. This includes Christmas. They are on Santa's naughty list this year.

Sunday: I had the stomach flu. So that pretty much shot the whole day.

The weekend was terrible. I'm so glad it's Monday, and we can start over. This should be a fairly relaxed week for me..the kids at home have a really light load of lessons, and we get a 4 day weekend (if public school is out, then we're out too..LOL). Friday, I'm throwing a little Halloween party for the kids and their friends. Not that my older 3 deserve anything. But the younger 2 shouldn't be punished for their misdeeds :-)

In other news, we're still broke. Going on 5 weeks with no unemployment, and no determination either way. Wednesday the kids get their money. But it's all gone except for $480. It's going to be loads of fun feeding us, gassing the cars, feeding the pets, etc. for a whole month on that. We're lucky I know how to cook..and cook creatively.

I applied for a couple jobs. It's going to be difficult finding something with the hours I need, but I'm going to try.

Rereading this, I sound really negative. I don't mean too, just keeping it real. I am super stoked that it's Fall!! That means I can get outside and enjoy nature again!! October is my favorite month.

An Angry Rant

2010-10-06T07:47:00.000-07:00

Nothing angers me more than incompetence. This month, our income is the definition of "SUCK".

Marc has been laid off since January. He gets unemployment, and is a full time college student. The bulk of our income is a once a month social security payment that my kids get from their bio. dad. It's enough to pay the bills, and we can meet our monthly expenses. If we plan and save.

We haven't been..I've been spending money as we need, and saving some back for emergency, because we have the unemployment. We count on that. We are trying so hard to get into a position so we don't have to struggle.

WRONG! The stupid State of Kansas neglected to send us a weekly form Marc is required to fill out. Then we get a letter saying his payments are suspended until he fills out said form and mails it back. Even though it was their mistake.

So, we did it. Within their time frame.

That was 4 weeks ago. We haven't been paid in 4 freaking weeks. As a result, I have spent all of our savings. I have used up every bit of the groceries I had stockpiled (and thank goodness I had them!!). My last $25 went for dog food and gas. We have absolutely no money until next Wednesday, when the kids get paid again. But that's pretty much gone, too, as our car tags are now due.

I shouldn't be complaining, I know. I have a lot to be thankful for, and we are better off than most. Thanks goodness I had the savings and the extra food. But my god! What if I wouldn't have had it?

Get your shit together, Kansas!! When people depend on, count on, and expect to be paid..pay up! Especially since it is incompetence on your part that caused this whole mess..

Failings and Shortcomings

2010-10-05T07:34:00.000-07:00

In order to truly redefine myself, I think it's important to take note of my failings and shortcomings as a wife and mother. Then I can decide how to improve upon them, or if I should just give up.

The most recent fail in my life is as a home schooling parent. I quit. This will be my last year. I used to enjoy it, but now I don't. I have made a commitment to finish out this school year with my 3 youngest kids, but I gotta tell ya. It's drudgery. I despise the thought of getting up every single day and doing lessons with the kids.

The reasons are numerous.

Mainly I am so sick and tired of ungrateful little people copping attitude with me all day long. Really. As if I LIKE teaching multiplication tables and verb tenses over and over and over again. Every day. Especially when yesterday, you had it mastered. And today you have miraculously forgotten. Really. It's getting old. You hate math?? Yeah, probably not as much as I do.

I am also tired of children back talking, making messes, and generally being lazy. My children are spoiled, indulged, and have entitlement issues, and it's all my fault. I made them this way by being overprotective and giving in when I'm too exhausted to fight.

It's just not my thing anymore. It's kind of sad really. I used to really enjoy having my kids home. Days used to be filled with art projects and Dora the Explorer. Baking and trips to the park.

Now when I suggest such things, I'm met with eye rolls and cries of "That's boring!" Well, fine.

I used to think it would be disastrous to send my kids to school. What a wake up call I got this year. I sent Nikki and Mitch. And they are doing fine. Thriving, in fact. It's not a hassle for them to go. There are no huge issues to overcome..other than the getting up early :-)

This is one of the instances when I have tried and tried to make it work, and it just isn't anymore. So, I quit.

And really, I'm okay with that. I'm dreaming of next school year. When I can live my daytime hours as I see fit. When other people's moods won't dictate my whole day. When I can take a lunch date with my husband without someone crying that it "Isn't Fair".

When I can take an uninterrupted nap.

Yeah. Sounds like Heaven.

Right now, my life is so overwhelming. I am housewife, mom, wife, referee, teacher, cook, taxi, nurse. To remove just one of those will be a huge burden lifted. Especially when that one thing pretty much takes over my whole day/life.

So, maybe this isn't necessarily a fail, but a new phase? Or, a "keeping mom sane" necessity??

It's me again

2010-10-04T13:38:00.001-07:00

This is probably my 5th attempt at a blog. Let's see if this one takes off :-)

I'm calling this "Redefining Me" because that's what I'm attempting to do this year. I am so sick of being defined as Stephanie. Mom to Many. Homeschool Mom. The One Who Has Her Shit Together. Because, while these are all part of me, none of them are the real me.

There's gonna be some major changes happening in the next year. And I am so ready.

The "Bad Mommy" part of the title is mostly just a joke. I really don't think I'm a bad mom. But I'm tired of sugar coating my life when I journal. So I'm not gonna do it anymore. And a lot of the stuff I write will probably earn me judgmental comments, sad shakes of the head, or eye rolls.

Tough.

I'm only going to be saying what everyone thinks but is too scared to say out loud..LOL

Disclaimer: I love, adore, would die for my kids and husband. But that doesn't mean that sometimes they don't piss me off, or that I don't have moments every single day where I wish they would all just leave me the heck alone.

So this is it. Follow me if you dare....